Human instinct, besides calling 'mom', should also have a 'I don't know'. It was night, tossing and turning, and I was losing sleep again. I actually love sleeping so much that I wish I could lie in bed 24 hours a day, doing nothing but sleeping, purely sleeping. That's why my insomnia is equally pure. I don't want to watch videos, listen to music, or play games. Just when I close and open my eyes, everything around me is pitch black, equally quiet, and I am equally clear headed. It's too late, the wind doesn't speak anymore. Not sleeping naturally leads to overthinking, and thinking too much makes one feel that death is actually closer than happiness. Sometimes I'm also quite scared, afraid of not getting into the exam, afraid of not having money, afraid of pain, afraid of death But I also feel that there is nothing else to be afraid of after death. But before that, I was still afraid of pain. I have this thought because of mental pain; I am afraid of this thought, that is, I am afraid of this pain, because of physical pain. They are contradictory yet intertwined in my body, so I am alive, so I cannot sleep. Why is that? I don't know. Days are like a circular loop, day after day. If things in this world keep going back and forth, when will I know that I am myself Repeating too much, or getting used to it, I can't even feel the boredom anymore because of numbness. At this moment, the long rainy season arrives. Because the spiritual territory carried by numbness is the best fertilizer, waiting for the rain to fall, the dry soil will transform into moist soil, adding to the ups and downs of fate. The greater the contrast, the more intense the pain. Along with the place where I used to fold my heart, it was also blurred by the rain stains. Along with the current rain, slowly flowing into the soil, one can only smell a bitter breath, like the daughter Hong buried by fate a long time ago, shattered in this soil. Then you suddenly understand that 'this person is the cup that fate always uses to drink bitter wine'. I have also considered acceptance and reconciliation. I've been thinking for too long, until even the most secretive scar is washed away by the rain and covered in ink I suddenly remembered that I once said, 'I live for the sake of hatred.' After hearing this, my friend didn't say anything and only forwarded me a copy that read, 'Can a person who lives by hatred sleep well when they get revenge for their big hatred?' I was stunned. I think it's a bit ridiculous. As someone who claims to resent and hate, I'm actually so confused that I'm not sure how to sleep well even if I get revenge. If I don't even have hatred left, when can that excuse of being afraid of pain sustain me until? I don't know. I always tend to overthink, think about the past, and think about the future. But I live in the present, a time that happens to be unable to change the past or have an ideal future, so it's painful. In the countless ravines of that land, ignorance is the deepest. The more you know, the more painful it becomes, a more ancient and unchanging truth. The more you know, the more you can't control yourself from learning, thinking, and anticipating the future. But ignorance hurts too much, so I would rather know a little more, a little more. Even though I would think more. I have always been so conflicted. I know I can't sleep because I overthink, but I should be fine after a while, When I can't hold on anymore, when I'm tired, when the rain stops, How long do I have to wait? I don't know. Sometimes words are too barren, and some emotions are too heavy and strong, like a wet cotton ball blocking my heart. When you ask me what I want to say, I don't know, so I look at you and suddenly want to sigh