The year is 2031. You scan your Digital ID to unlock your car because Labour decided keys are “far-right.” Your car won’t move until you top up your Travel Credits, which now cost £14 per mile. You can only drive to Approved Destinations. Anything else triggers “Journey Denied: destination inconsistent with Collective Productivity Goals.” Every EV is an internet-connected tax meter on wheels, so Rachel Reeves can adjust the mileage tax in real time. The in-car radio automatically plays the Government Safe Speech Channel, looping the new national mantra: “No hurty words. No hurty thoughts. Be kind. Be compliant.” Phrases like “tax cut”, “small government” or “this is fucking insane” deducts points from your Social Conduct Score. A warning notification pops up every five minutes reminding you that “Driving is a privilege granted by the State. Gratitude is mandatory.” And just before you arrive, your dashboard flashes the latest Labour message “Remember, freedom causes anxiety. Let government help.”(Peter McCormack 🏴‍☠️🇬🇧🇮🇪)