Until divorce, I regretted it too late.

I am a woman born in 1991. During my pregnancy in 2020, I frequently saw my cousin's posts about trading cryptocurrencies on social media. At first, I thought it was just an advertisement, but during a chat, she mentioned that she made over 600,000 yuan from trading, which made me very envious, so I opened an account too.

At first, I didn't touch contracts but bought a lot of altcoins, while my cousin mainly traded Bitcoin. The entry threshold for Bitcoin was too high, and its price was very expensive, so I could only play around with it.

After trading for more than a month, I made a few thousand yuan. How great it would have been if I had stopped then, but I didn't. After losing money, I studied contracts, hoping to quickly recover my losses, but unexpectedly, I got trapped. At that time, my cousin advised me not to play recklessly and suggested that I invest a little money to buy Bitcoin with her. She repeatedly warned me not to touch contracts or altcoins, but I just wouldn't listen.

During that time, I watched the market every day and studied how to trade contracts. I didn't even know what coins I had bought; the prices kept falling. I felt an opportunity was coming, thinking I would definitely get rich. I invested 10,000 US dollars, opened a short position with 5x leverage, and after opening the position, I thought I was going to make it big. Unexpectedly, shortly after, the market rebounded, and I quickly got liquidated, losing all 10,000 US dollars in my account.

At that time, I only had 290,000 yuan in savings. Losing over 70,000 yuan at once made me feel terrible. I didn't dare to tell my husband, and I was unwilling to accept losing so much money, so I could only continue to gamble. Another reason was that seeing my cousin cashing out made me even more unwilling to accept it. She made money while I lost money. If she had been generous and shared a little of her profits with me, I might have quit gambling.

Later, I became bolder and continued to invest another 30,000 US dollars, playing cautiously. After more than a week, I recovered a little, but not much. I could earn a bit with a few hundred dollars, but once I increased my position, it seemed like no matter how I played, the market was always against me. When I shorted, it went up; when I went long, it went down. It felt like the market was always working against me. Sometimes I even suspected that the big players were watching my little savings, specifically coming to "harvest" me.

Eventually, I lost more and more. In a moment of excitement, I leveraged up again, always thinking about quickly recovering my losses. One day in August 2020, in just one afternoon, I received another liquidation message. My savings were completely wiped out. Sitting on the sofa, I picked up my phone, and my hands couldn't help but tremble. I wanted to cry but couldn't because my husband was at home. That feeling was really unbearable.

I didn't confess but became afraid to trade contracts. At that time, I heard another relative say they made tens of thousands from mutual funds. I thought mutual funds were quite stable and wouldn't lose much, so I borrowed 150,000 yuan to invest. After buying the mutual funds, I faced daily losses of hundreds or even thousands, which was completely different from what I had expected. I couldn't take it anymore and lost all patience, redeeming all the mutual funds and going back to trading contracts. That feeling is something only those who have experienced it would understand. It was like a stock trader learning to trade contracts, and I no longer wanted to touch stocks because they were too slow, and I lacked the patience.

By May 2021, I had unknowingly borrowed from more than a dozen online lending platforms. One loan limit in the app was 64,000 yuan. At this point, I was 320,000 yuan in debt. I didn't want to hold on any longer and could only pin my hopes on my husband. Since I had given birth, I thought he would only scold me a few times and wouldn't divorce me. Later, as expected, my husband indeed forgave me.

I owed 320,000 yuan, and he borrowed money everywhere for me. My in-laws gave 120,000 yuan, and with some other funds, we finally managed to gather enough. In fact, he had a good income, working in a government position, earning an annual salary of 150,000 yuan. He told me that as long as I didn't touch it again, things would definitely get better in the future. My husband usually just liked to drink a little, didn't smoke or gamble, and occasionally when we went shopping, I liked to spend a few dozen yuan on scratch cards just for fun. Sometimes I didn't understand why I, as a woman, had such a strong gambling tendency.

I was a housewife and didn't need to work. I lived more comfortably than many people, but I didn't enjoy it for long. My inner self was restless because I felt insecure without money. I used to have hundreds of thousands in savings, and with a few yuan in interest from my balance treasure every day, I couldn't accept this gap. Despite this, I still insisted on quitting gambling.

In 2022, my mother-in-law was idle at home. She suggested helping me take care of the child so I could go find a job. I hadn't worked since getting married. She might have said it casually, but I felt particularly uncomfortable hearing it, as if she looked down on me and thought I was just eating free food at home. It was this comment that stimulated me to gamble again because being broke really made me feel looked down upon.

At first, I didn't dare to play big, starting with a few hundred dollars, quickly selling as soon as I made a little profit. Gradually, my heart grew bolder; I could only accept winning and couldn't accept losing. If I lost a little, I would frantically leverage up, thinking that winning back would make me feel much better. I saw many submissions here; although I was trading contracts, it was essentially the same as gambling, even more intense than that.

I managed to recover a little, making 10,000 dollars when shorting. At that time, I thought about recovering all my savings, but winning was always temporary. Winning for ten days wasn't enough to cover one afternoon's losses. Every time I leveraged up, it was either to recover or break even, and every time I placed a heavy bet, I got liquidated. I felt deeply powerless, but there was really no way out except to continue. This hellish life continued until August 2023. I had been living off loans, borrowing from online lenders to pay friends, then borrowing from friends to pay online loans, immediately borrowing again. I deeply regretted why I couldn't just enjoy a good life without touching contracts, but what was the use of regret? Regret wouldn't pay off the debts! By December 2023, I could no longer borrow. My debts to relatives, friends, and online lenders had reached 580,000 yuan. The interest on online loans took away a lot of my money, and the principal I borrowed was all given to the big players. I had already bought charcoal on Pinduoduo, thinking of leaving with my child, but I never had the courage.

This time, I confessed. My husband sat in the living room and downed a glass of liquor in one go. I had never seen him drink so fast and so much. After finishing, he told me to get a divorce, feeling that I was hopeless. Money was not treated as money, and if this continued, we wouldn't even be able to keep our house. I agreed; all the problems came from me, and I didn't expect him to pay off my debts. After saying that, we slept in separate rooms. After putting the child to sleep, I secretly went into his room, wanting to say sorry in my own way.

The next day, he went to work and didn't mention the divorce. A few days later, he said he would give me one last chance. If I didn't cherish it, he would divorce me without hesitation. Because that house was bought by my mother-in-law after we got married, he wanted to sell the house to pay off debts and then use the provident fund to take out a loan to buy another one. Later, the house was put up for sale.

In April 2024, the house was sold for 850,000 yuan, and my debts were cleared. He didn't give me the remaining money but kept it in his own account, which wasn't linked to Alipay or WeChat, nor did he open online banking. I knew his true intention was to guard against me, fearing I would steal that money while he was asleep. If he didn't guard against me, it would have been better; at least I would have felt mutual trust. But because he guarded against me, it made me overthink. Usually, if I wanted to buy something, I had to report it to him. For example, if I wanted to buy hand cream, I had to tell him how much it cost and then show him a screenshot before he would transfer the corresponding amount to me. This kind of life, although self-inflicted, was really uncomfortable.

As a housewife, I didn't ask for my previous savings back; at least I wanted a few hundred yuan. I had nothing, and I had to ask him for money to buy groceries or order takeout. It really felt like he was just giving me charity. I couldn't stand this life and didn't want to live like this. I felt he was not giving me face, so I needed to earn my own face, so I downloaded the trading app again.

The result was the same; I kept losing. From that time until the end of last December, my debts reached a peak of 610,000 yuan. During this period, I also borrowed 160,000 yuan from my parents for other reasons, which all went into it. In reality, I lost at least 700,000 yuan. I was too powerless to confess, so I could only take my child back to my hometown and confess to my parents, but they couldn't help me either.

Much of what I said was out of anger; I couldn't control myself. Afterward, I thought about apologizing, but he no longer forgave me, so we went through with the divorce. In the end, he left me.

From this year until now, I still haven't gone out to work, and my debts are overdue. I locked myself in my room, afraid to go out, afraid of being discovered by relatives and friends on the street. My parents sighed about me; the cost of raising a child was too high, but they had to raise me. Recently, I've thought a lot. Divorce and debt are already facts I have to accept and face. Last night, I discussed it with my parents, and I decided to go out to earn money. If I have the ability, I will pay off my ex-husband's debts. If I don't have the ability, then forget it. If I encounter the next love, I will definitely cherish it.

I also regret listening to my cousin's advice to trade cryptocurrencies peacefully. Even if I lost, it wouldn't have been much. Moreover, the Bitcoin I was afraid to buy back then has skyrocketed in price now. I've missed out and no longer dare to fantasize. For the rest of my life, I just hope to work peacefully and live a stable life.

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