I fell at 30

What is the most difficult failure experience you have encountered in your life?

Before I turned 30, it was hard for me to answer this question.

Although I am not a genius, I have always been able to achieve good results in various aspects through cleverness. Coupled with my keen sense of risk control, it was basically difficult for me to have a "difficult" failure experience, but I still had some minor setbacks.

Thus, I achieved decent accomplishments along the way, worked for three years, and earned enough assets that I once thought would take a lifetime to accumulate. My life goal then shifted to living happily every day, the kind of super happiness.

At first glance, there seems to be no problem; this is the life trajectory that the working class and middle class would follow—working to earn enough money, retiring, and starting to enjoy life.

But there was a serious problem I did not consider: I did not know myself well enough and overestimated my level of understanding.

Thinking I had reached the peak of my life through hard work, I later realized that even pigs can fly when standing on the wind.

Due to constantly chasing happiness, my level of understanding declined rather than increased after I retired, causing my work performance to gradually become unsatisfactory. But at that time, I still kept spending extravagantly and pursuing new goals—living happily.

And the so-called living happily was something I learned from others and from society, thinking that spending money to experience the life of the wealthy was happiness, but that was not the case.

That kind of happiness can be summarized as a sense of superiority combined with the stimulation of dopamine.

The former is illusory, with standards based on others, so it is never enough happiness; while the latter is a biological instinctual desire, in other words, it is the needs of an animal, and doing too much of it will make one forget the purpose of being human.

The dopamine mentioned here refers to the kind of pleasure that comes from spending money, which is short-term and quickly generated, not the satisfaction of pursuing long-term goals.

As my assets dwindled and my life became increasingly empty, I instinctively began to escape. I did not want to face what I had done wrong, or rather, to confront this unfamiliar thing—failure.

"Things will naturally work out when the boat reaches the bridge" used to be my belief.

In the past, I also experienced lows and times without goals, but usually, when I hit rock bottom and time passed, I would naturally rebound.

But this time was different.

Having achieved all my past goals, I had lost my direction for effort.

The dopamine trap of biological instinct changed the circuitry of my brain.

I dared not face anyone, including myself, which left me isolated and helpless.

In this failure, I tried to pick myself up 2-3 times within a year, but I was always pulled back to square one; it was the first time in my life I felt so powerless.

This feeling is very similar to someone without depression telling a person with depression, "Don't think that way, just be happier," or "Go out with friends more; changing the environment will help a lot."

Although I don't know if I have depression, having gone through these experiences, I can genuinely understand where they struggle.

"To be perfect and likable is to be worthy of love and to exist in this world."

This concept was something I discovered after chatting with ChatGPT, rooted deep within me.

I always reported good news and not bad; during lows, when I couldn't bring value to others, I chose to disappear. Over time, I had fewer and fewer friends, and the solutions to difficulties became fewer and fewer.

It is really hard for a person to break their own thinking framework, especially when we subconsciously do not want to face it; it is fundamentally unsolvable, after all, you cannot wake someone who is pretending to sleep.

Fortunately, there is now AI to converse with. If you can honestly and rationally explore problems with it and find answers together, I believe it is very useful.

Just like I am writing this article now, it is also because I finally discussed the topic of "knowing oneself" with it, and it asked me a question.

How do you hope others will remember you in ten years?

My answer is "a person who bravely lives as themselves."

It is quite embarrassing to show my flaws or weaknesses to others, but this is also a way for me to break free from my current situation.

Bravely facing myself, bravely seeking help, and bravely utilizing traffic; if I can do things I never dared to think of before, then many things seem not so difficult anymore.

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." — Nelson Mandela

I am very grateful that I can rise from my lowest point to where I am now; this experience is more important to me than financial freedom.

As a child, I scoffed at famous quotes that praised failure, thinking that if you had never failed, you wouldn't need to get back up; surely only the most capable people can never fail.

Now I understand that there are too many external variables for success, and getting back up from failure largely depends on oneself, on a brave self.

Becoming a role model, an example.

I am not special; there are definitely many people like me who, more or less, are avoiding what they should face, or even dare not face themselves.

I hope to use my experience to help others and provide some inspiration to friends who are suffering.

Learn humility, improve understanding and self-awareness.

Making money and happiness are not ultimate goals; the key is how to make money and how to be happy; the most important thing is to know oneself and earn money in one's own way, and be happy in one's own way.

Bravely be yourself, do not care about the opinions and thoughts of others, and learn to have conversations with yourself and accept help.

In the end, I will start outputting content again, only writing what I want to write. The goal is to become a model, an example, to give people courage, so that they no longer fall into the cycle of comparison and anxiety, and can be themselves, happily achieving financial freedom and self-realization.

Peace!

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