Original Title: the 10 types of crypto VCs you'll meet (and how to spot them)
Original Author: @therosieum
Original Translation: zhouzhou, BlockBeats
Editor's Note: This article satirically depicts 10 common types of cryptocurrency venture capitalists, who appear supportive but are actually self-serving. For instance, they may emphasize "long-term holding" but sell off their tokens at the first sign of a market downturn; or they might recoup their investments through "marketing companies," even forcing project teams to operate according to their demands. The article emphasizes that true investors should possess technical skills, understand the project vision, and provide value beyond just capital.
The following is the original content (reorganized for readability):
In this industry, we have all dealt with VCs. Some are valuable, but most are not. Here’s a guide to help you identify them in the wild and avoid them early.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Maybe. If you feel offended, you might belong to types 1-9; no VCs were harmed in the making of this article.
1. The "We don't support airdrops" VC
They will preach about building "real value," but the moment their allocation is unlocked, they will immediately sell their tokens. What they really mean is: "We don't support you doing airdrops, but we are more than happy to collect our airdrop." These people will lecture you on token economics while their portfolio has shrunk by 80%. The first rule of the VC dumping club is: you do not talk about the VC dumping club.
2. The "Please work with my marketing company" VC
They invested $500,000 and now want to recoup that by forcing you to hire their cousin's marketing company for $600,000. This marketing company has only three clients: you and two other investment firms under this VC. Their marketing strategy? Paying influencers to tweet about the same JPEG they bought.
3. The "Investment theory-driven" VC
They haven't updated their investment theory since 2021. Still talking about "Web3 social" and "metaverse infrastructure," but while you’re presenting, they’re secretly Googling "What is TEE technology" under the table. However, if the project presentation mentions "AI," they will definitely invest.
4. The "Founder-friendly" "ghost" VC
They will spend three weeks getting to know your project, asking you to fill out 17 forms, and introducing you to their entire team, only to completely disappear when it’s time to wire the funds. Six months later, they will congratulate you on Twitter for successfully raising funds from others.
5. The "I used to work at [insert traditional finance company]" VC
Joined the crypto industry in 2022 but won’t let you forget they worked at Goldman Sachs. They might be active on crypto Twitter now, but they still live through their LinkedIn experience. The only value they can provide is "professional email templates" and "best practices for shareholder meetings." They have never used a hardware wallet and are still asking what miner fees are.
6. The "I need a response within 24 hours" FOMO VC
They have completely ignored your proposal for months until they see another VC talking about your space on Twitter. Suddenly, they pop up in your DMs, demanding an "emergency call." They will offer terrible terms with a 24-hour explosive deadline. If you accept, they will still delay sending the relevant documents for three weeks.
7. The "We are long-term holders" paper hands
They watched Cathie Wood's interview on CNBC where she said Bitcoin would reach $1.5 million by 2030—now they keep repeating they are "long-term holders" and "aligned with the founders on a five-year vision." But when faced with a 30% drop, they panic sell and blame you for "uncontrollable market conditions." Even so, they will still demand their board seat.
8. The "Thought leader" who has done nothing
They have 50k followers, all accumulated by retweeting others' opinions. Their pinned tweet is about "founder culture," even though they have never actually created anything. They will propose "providing advice for your project in exchange for 2% of the tokens." Their advice usually is: "Have you tried getting an anonymous Twitter influencer to talk about it?"
9. The "We usually don't invest at such an early stage" VC
They will act like they are helping you by investing in the seed round, only to demand the treatment of a Series B investor. You need to provide daily updates, board control, and direct contact with the development team. They will message you on Sunday night at 11 PM asking, "Quick question—when can I buy a Lamborghini?"
10. The true builders who understand the industry
They will ask the right technical questions and have experienced multiple cycles. They won’t waste your time, and the value they provide is more than just capital. They understand your vision because they have also struggled in this industry.
They are like unicorns—you might think they don’t exist, but once you find one, you will never go back to engaging with other types of investors.
Do not compromise on who you let invest in your project. The right partner can determine your success or failure, rather than changes like "We’ll decide to pivot in six months to create an AI-driven Web3 social layer for DeFi users."
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